azurusgreen

Well, sometimes you just need to watch the Nerve.com documentary on swingers to put your life in perspective. I don't know what I am doing right now, but delightfully I am not feeling my normal need to classify it. I do know that if I am 60 and can do a back bridge pelvic thrust, I am so winning the costume contest at the local swingers convention.

I can live with it as it apparently was the one thing I will live for. Thank you Ph, I am going to put myself through more torture over more time. Because of the glimmering illusion you give me I will continue. Which sucks cause I know that it is an illusion, just a diluted peon in the ocean of little blips. I don't think I even qualify as half a person anymore.
Although, the dreams and memories of that night have obsessed me. but are fading. makes me want the improbable. and perhaps one day in a different dimension I would be happy with anything.
I would give it up for you but you will never ask me, and it means less now I am sure. and even me thinking that is a problem. So I will put it somewhere deep down and kill it someday when it is weaker.

Out of everything I hate about living with my parents, the sounds of my hysterical sobbing echoing of the uncaring walls is decidedly the worst.  How am I supposed to accept a job 10 years after I started working 2 grad school years later for .40 more than minimum wage.  On the deridgible of hopeless souls with empty promises of benefits.  Fuck.  But what of my other options, and where are they.

I am living with my parents, seeing old friends, trying to get my roots fixed.  No more B soon though, I can't continue a relationship with someone I am beinging to resent more than I love.  Fuck all this shit, why am I so excited to be in such a mess.  It is really fucked up.  I am not sure how on earth I am going to get out of this one or why I am so obsessed with self distruction.  I need a second job.

In a personally creepy way.  On Sunday I went out to the back woods with Ph in his Jeep, we have gone before.  We took a new road and attempted to ford a small creek, about a foot and a half deep by 10 feet wide.  Fording it went well however the bank we were approaching was too steep, after a few attempts the frame bent just a little allowing the fan to shred into the radiator.  After trying a few things we realized it was moot to try and fix.  We gathered up what we could carry as far as emergency survival and crossed the stream by foot around 7pm.  The explanation is complicated but after 25min we realized we were walking in the wrong direction I corrected for the error and we walked 7miles to Applegate lake in the hopes of getting cell reception.  Now in the dark we walked around the lake past the damn to the sign for the park approximately 14 miles total so far.  By this time it was 1am and almost 35degrees. We sent up the tent, no sleeping bags, and shivered together until 6am. We saw no one on the road all this time.  We did see a guy in a house when we got to the lake originally but given the time and lighting did not think it was safe to approach.  It was a little above freezing as we woke took down the tent and walked 3 more miles to in and out cell service where we called for a ride from Ph's mother.  After that we kept on walking looking for a signal for another 50min until she picked us up.
As my Jeep has been having problems I was sharing a car with Ph.  On Tuesday I took him to work, went to a job interview, got him to from work and we headed to retrieve the vehicle with his mom in his uncle's truck.  We had to take a longer route as our original was snowed out when we got there.  However Ph traded out the radiator in less than 45 minutes.  I pulled the borrowed truck down a side path to do a 3 point turn around and it got stuck. As I was radioing this info to Phil his Jeep temp shot up and the Jeep shut off.  So after various things happened we had to abandon the truck in the dark and rain, it had slid to a yard away from the rising creek.  Trying to make a run in the Jeep we made it about a third of a mile before realizing it was pointless drifted back a bit and ended up 8 inches off a clif that we could not see the bottom of.  Ph was determined to try to make it back onto the road way, his mom got out of the car we took out the camp stuff.   I slipped the map out under my coat and then watched as he regained road.  We had the celebratory hug put everything back in the car and I spotted him in neutral back to a flat spot of land where we camped in the Jeep for the night.  I took something to knock me out.  Too much, just too much.  I woke up to him explaining my family situation to his mother and tried very hard to fall asleep for the next ten minutes.  This morning we decided to start walking out at 11am.  While working on making a fire to dry out some of our soaked clothing, I heard a revving engine in the distance dropped my stuff and ran to it to find a small rescue party sent by Ph's family.  The Jeep is still out there.  Ph told me to leave with the rescue party and one of them, Chris, got the truck out of the creek and left with Ph.
I am exhausted.

How pathetic am I to still be in love, with someone who is to kind to make me go away.  Fuckers, I should totally disapear. 

Okay so now I am out there emotionally, and I am have that horrible feeling that in a few weeks the confidence I imbune will lead to shinny new object.  And I am happy in a hoping to god I am not delusional. There is a good possibility that I get to go over there today. It is almost highschoolish as I am not sure what to do besides what I am doing since I am terrified of my own insecurities showing. I don't want to lose again.

I got enough for a while but I am pretty sure momentary distraction will not be enough as the pain of knowing I am probably not loved enough to keep around.  It may be all in my head but somehow, the words seem too pretty like a dream I don't want to wake from.  In other news at least he will let me stay for now, and had an interesting experience with his family too that wasn't bad at all, I kind of enjoyed it.  I really hope I have a job soon, I don't like crying randomly.  Poor guy I put him through hell and I just want to die mid coitus so I don't have to be unhappy. Which is greedy but I don't want to make things worse for other people and I know a problem when I see one, I am becoming more of a high risk investment.  Hope to yield soon.

I had to move back down to the valley, was not financially stable up there. I had a job lined up down here but they haven't be able to give me any hours. So I got three more on call jobs and I have only worked 1 day in 3 weeks now. Since I ended up breaking things off with the boy I was with in the middle of moving I landed back at my parents house, which pretty much sucks. And then my clutch is dying so I am driving a friends car. And if it wasn't so humiliating I would find having a dinner meeting about my future with my parents today amusing. I know this whole thing reads like a novel and at the moment I wish I was a better writer so I could chronicle these past few years.  Seriously I think I have had a nice run of interesting and curious things.  Honestly I am more awed by my lack of friends I can splurge to about the situation, in guard of pieces of the situation itself.  Hope checks start coming through soon.

I am ungrateful, for the shelter you have lent me for the food you offer me every time I look at you.  What the fuck is wrong with you.  I am living my own life go live yours.  I screwed up a bit missed the ledge I was leaping for and fell into the chasm.  And for this every second you will remind me until my spending on mental health projects become more than the rent for an individual apartment.  And why the fuck are you glaring at me for restarting my unemployment?  It is not like you were helping me financially.  Na I took your offer of an emergency place to live.  Which apearently gives you some sort of rights that I seem to be missing.   I do not want your fake pretenses of help that you are not willing to freely give.  I don't want an extra $40 to get yelled at and lectured for a full day spent trying to clean your fucking house that was way too big for you when you bought it, if my storage unit is a pack rat useless venture explain your 3 fucking attics full of stuff for classes no body wants you to teach.  Just because I am being kind does not mean take advantage of me.  I don't want to talk to you or have dinner with you.  I just don't, It makes my stress level rise and nausiates what little I have managed to eat today because I am here. I don't want your advise or you to listen to me about my life, which has to be censored because otherwise I would have your fucked up religious friends coming over every day.  I just need to be left alone there are not enough pills in the world to make the stress you cause go away.  Safety is not here and apparently not available at this time.
That includes you too sisters that tell me you are being supportive when you can't offer me temporary shelter in your daughter's play room.  You know what I am still saying the same thing I started saying when I was a teenager, I don't have a family I have a birth corporation and that is the fuck it.

I am sounding a retreat around the second weekend of next month, I am not solvent not joking and not happy about this. See you in the valley.

It is better to retreat than fail worse and end up paying for it longer.  I am sorry that I chose the wrong job, I have been deceived and I take responsibility for my part in that.  I also take responsibility for not calling it sooner and getting out of this quagmire with more dignity.  I am ever a Trekkie though, "I may be beaten but I am not defeated."  Hopefully after a few months with the grace of my friends I can make it back to a place I will be more free.  Hope all is well with you.

Okay so la la la ti da.  I need some renewed Rxs I could get one without argument so I picked the most useful and now have to see the MD.  And the heat I tell you, the heat, I just can't take it. I just can't take it.

So I apearently I am invested in my work, because I cried as something went wrong.  Memories hurt too, they give me headaches.  I feel bad about Ph and wish I could improve his life as I have a vague notion it will make me feel better.  I am falling in love with someone 300 miles away who wants me to. Flies will not leave my apartment which makes me sick as there is no airconditioning.  And lets not talk about how training is going this year.  I know I will finish but between the headaches, the heatsickness, the sleeping problems and the injuries I wish I was naturally athletic without trying.  I don't know I need a break, I am supposed to have a 3day this week so hopefully i can enscond somewhere. and not think without the drink.

Yes, I gained some perspective and now a lot of things are changing, the importance of certain things, the amount of emotional investment in others.  More like now I know what I want to do with a lot of my life.  Not so much how I am going to fix certain things but a chunk fell into place this week and I am feeling grounded more stable less crazy.  Although a lot of things are changing, I feel great about that.  I want to be that better person.
:D

I f'd up.  I would really like to know why I keep keep torturing myself and  wonder if I just kept talking or typing or writing the truth would come out.  I know that some part of me thought that saying yes to my boss was a good idea and we were assertive when we asked for the days to be changed.  Great.  Now I am working 4 days a week at the asylum.  I expect to find myself commiting my self to a different facility any day now. Just got to keep telling myself it is only until I find another job. God I feel depressing now.

I feel like I have been ranting for weeks so I am going to put the headache and allergic reaction aside for a minute and talk about a great job interview I had today.  I had an awesome job interview today with three people and got into the final running with one other contestant.  We are shadowing on Thursday and having a group interview afterwards.  It almost makes me overlook that the job is 45minutes away.  I am not sure I can take it, that my car will put up with that sort of daily start and stop behavior.  I am still happy I went though.  It was nice to have a good interview.  Ah well, I hope that something better comes along - Kermit the Frog.

yes f this.  I was doing so good today, looking forward to stuff applying for jobs, working out and then I came here.  Before going to work I was ready to consider stopping the meds.  Now, f that I need a larger dose.  Nothing is supposed to run like this.  I am surprised more people don't walk out.  I am so enraged by this constant changing of the rules there is no therapy being done here.  Argh!

So an incident happened at work.  There is not enough staff support here when something happens.  I tragically need to debrief but won't be able to since no one is available to talk to night.  And if I had more balls, I would have gone and given my keys to the people downstairs with a nice fuck this shit comment and walked away.  I would have sent in my resignation tonight if I had the security of income to.  Just get me out of this hell.  Not everything worth doing is done well or at least parenting isn't worth doing.  My note to the world?  Fucking don't have kids unless you are ready to die for them. and take them with you.

that has pretty much been my evening.  I didn't get in, I am intoxicated and I learned that there is a balcony right below mine, which is probably where the redbull can came from.  I just I can't.  I lost I am lost and I have lost.

So I have been moving cautiously forward out of my mire.  Small setback earlier with the panic but we are doing better, starting to accomplish things that need to be accomplished.  Even wrote to someone about the program I am waiting to hear back from, and wrote a e-mail to the ex.  Trying to talk to him still pains me a lot and it is not exactly something I am willing to try with the support I have available to me.  I keep saying maybe next week but I decided to write him.  Hopefully it won't come back to haunt me.  If it does I don't know what I am going to do about it.  Can't make people feel what they don't just to convienence yourself.  Especially as I do not have that power. So what I do know.  I am trying to move on refine, improve and get better at this living thing.  I am starting to think this whole thing is like when I think about breathing or walking and then can't do them properly.  Maybe I started thinking about living too much.  In theory it is easy, work, money, rent, food, stimulation. Ha it is only easy when you are oblivious and maybe have no debt. It is only possible to grieve for so long right?  Anyways I am not going to give up now.  If anything I should have given up a few weeks ago when I had just emotional cause.  Oh well, best feet backwards and march.  I am not sure who I am or what I really want out of life yet but I guess we will see, if I can stop procastinating about it.  On a different note, allergic skin reactions to adhesives suck, I am weeping lightly out of two areas now and do not consider this an improvement.  At least my neck didn't hurt for a good 4 hours, I just like the boobs too much to get them reduced.  I need new bras.  And a little less caffine, and maybe a brighter disposition and some self love but we all can get what we want.  To many lotto winners not enough prize to go around.
Ack.